Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
