Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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