I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
