Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
