I threw up into my coffee this morning.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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