Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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