I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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