How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
