my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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