Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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