Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
