Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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