Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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