This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
