i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
