Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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