I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I want a musical about memes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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