One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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