Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
