the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
