Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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