My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
