me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
