I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
