I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
