also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
