just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
