Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
