i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
