he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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