My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
