tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
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Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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