I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
