I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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