That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
