In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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