Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
