Apparently you make a good broom.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
