I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
