Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
