how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
