my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
