Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
