you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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