I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
