her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
