My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
