she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
