I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize