I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
