why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just want to make out with him forever
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
