Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
