Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
