that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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