I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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