I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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