I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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