Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
