p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
