I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
