Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
